The confrontation

I think this is where the root of all our problems started. They say first impressions are everything, in this case, it is set in stone.

My parents, my boyfriend and myself had a sit down, they wanted to know what we had planned now that our secret was out. We communicated our plan if wanting to get married and then having our child together and thats where we were gonna start and we need to do it quickly. I was already 2 months pregnant when we found out about my pregnancy and throwing a wedding isn’t just something you do on a whim. We needed to start planning and have this wedding as soon as possible. To my parents it was a matter of keeping face, make sure I was getting married before I start showing so that people would just assume the child was conceived after marriage. To us, we wanted to get married so we could hurry up and find a home and create a place for our new baby. Nevertheless, whatever eveyones intentions were, we needed the help. There was just one problem, while my boyfriend was sitting here planning our wedding that would happen by the next month, he still hadn’t told his parents that we were even pregnant.

My dad had started to ask people for help in looking for wedding venues, we just needed the ok from my boyfriend as soon as he spoke to him parents. You see, they didn’t know that his parents had just learned of the pregnancy, my parents had a few weeks to digest this fact, his parents were still in shock. A few days passed and my boyfriend finally built up the courage to talk to them about a wedding happening very soon, we wouldn’t give me a straight up answer just dodging the question. I knew something was fishy so I thought it would be a better idea to just go over to their home and have a sit down face to face, get everything out in the open.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so betrayed in my life. It was the most frustrating conversation I had ever had. I felt like there a completely different person sitting in front of the. The boy that promised me everything will be ok, that we will get married and we will take care of me, was suddenly saying he doesn’t think we should be married, maybe we should wait until after the baby. I just couldn’t believe what was happening, forget about what we had planned with my parents, the plan him and I went over together was as if it didn’t even existed. Was he just going to sit there and let everything his parents think and feel just overpower the decsion that we had made together. What a whimp I thought. He is going to let our relationship be tarnished by letting his decisions be clouded and dictated by his parents. What a child. This boy was about to become a father but couldn’t stand up for what he wanted to do, he couldn’t stand up for me, who he had spent 7 years together with. It’s my body that would change, it was display this outcome of both of our actions yet I would be the only one suffering the social scrutiny because I had the physical evidence. Neither him nor his parents seemed to think that was a big deal. I could feel the raging hormones boiling inside of me as I knew it was now or never, I could hold my peace and just walk away forever or I could fight for the future of the child growing inside of me. It wasn’t about marriage or no marriage, it’s about what we had decided together what we wanted to do for each other and for our child, it was about the promise that we had made together. I began hysterically crying, yelling at my boyfriend. How could he say all those things to me, stringing my parents along, and then act like he never said those things. I was so angry, disappointed and he just sat there looking down at the floor not saying anything, at all. My father apologized for my outburt. Short and simple he said, if this is the type of family that they are, then they aren’t interested in having a marriage join us together, he told me to leave and at that point I was glad to leave and never look back.

In-laws

Guys, is there anyone out here that has in-laws. Growing up my parents never differentiated between blood related family and in-laws. Everyone was family bonded together by the beautiful thing we call marriage. I was always taught growing up that when two people are joined together in marriage, the families become one and everyone would be treated on the same level.

I was always really excited for marriage after being in a steady relationship for so long. To me, I was gonna have the closet relationship with my in-laws because I thought only old fashioned parents like mine kept their children “in line” and at arms length. I wanted a closer more intimate relationship with my in-laws, a friendship, a loose and fun connection.

I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years now and I still can’t figure out my in-laws. When we got married, they never paid any interest in getting to know my spouse and I as a couple, I realize our relationship was thrown at them because of our circumstances but hey, the situation was what it was, fact is I was now their daughter-in-law and I wasn’t going anywhere. My parents had already embraced my husband, did their best to integrate him into the family, afterall, being the new one in a family where everyone else already knows each other is obviously uncomfortable and hard in the beginning.

We went over to their home, even slept over, in an effort to be close to them, but they were always very preoccupied in their own things, doing their respective house chores and we would spend time alone or with my brothers-in-law. Is it just me, or when you want someone to get integrated into a family, you ask them questions about themsleves, who they are, to get them to feel comfortable, maybe get to know a thing or two about them. But they didn’t seem remotely interested in me. Is that weird or is that normal? Am I as the new person suppose to put an effort for them to become comfortable with me? Am I seriously suppose to suck up to them to be able to even get a relationship started? Meanwhile, all my husband would do is come around and my parents would ask him tons of questions, ask him to play interactive games to get him to loosen up. This always surprised me, as I didn’t think they would be so open and welcoming to the guy that knocked me up, I guess family is family afterall.

Maybe I’m just not that interesting to get to know in the first place. Until this day all I get is a Hi and a Bye. It’s as if I don’t even exist sitting in their home. If they ask questions about me, they direct them to my husband when I’m not around. They literally just jump to the opportunity of holding my children when we show up. I could literally be holding my son in my arms as we approach their main entrance and they would literally just grab the boy and say “give him to me” without even acknowledging me and saying hello. I guess I’m just the person who puts my life on the line to give birth to your grandchildren. No biggie.

We will never be the same

I’ve always had a good and loving relationship with my parents, compared to some things I hear out there. A relationship that maintains peace on the surface as long as the child does what its told and doesn’t do anything to embrass their parents. I was that. The picture of the perfect child. On a deeper level though, that relationship suffered, I never felt like I could go to my parents with my life confusions, frustrations or uncertainties. Everything in my life had to happen exactly the way they wanted, school, university, job, marriage and then children. I never felt like I had my own voice in my major life decisions. For 7 years I had to hide my boyfriend from our close circle of family and friends to not cause any disgrace to my parents because the cultre does not accept having a boyfriend. I always felt like I was living a double life, the two biggest parts of my life could never co-exist.

In May 2017, I was ready to write my nursing exam, I had just recently been to my family doctor and gotten the positive that I was indeed pregnant, so I was hoping and praying that I would pass for the sake of my parents not ragging on me since I was about to become a mother and all. Fortunately or unfortunately my parents were on a international trip at the time, so I had a little time to think about how I wanted to break this news to them.

I deferred telling them until after I wrote my exam and when they were back in the comfort of our home. I figured, a life changing news like that is something they would want to hear in person, knowing me I would had much rather had this conversation over a text message. I decided that I had to tell them as soon as I had gotten my exam out of the way, that same day, or else I would never do it. What else could I do? Run away from home and get married and start a family with my boyfriend without telling them? I’m sure that would kill them. But this was killing me. At this point the alternative sounded a lot better to me. I had never been so terrified in my life. I was crying hysterically because I just could not get the words out of my mouth. My parents noticed that obviously something was wrong as I built up the courage to go and sit in their bedroom. What do I do, what do I say, the words “I’m pregnant” are so simple but so heavy when it means its the end of everything you know, as soon as I get the words out there nothing will ever be the same. I continued to cry inconsolably. At this point they were just very worried and wanted me to tell them. My sister did the honours cause I was just too terrified to even say the words.

A lot of questions were posed that night. I didn’t have the answer to most of them. My boyfriend was out of town until the end of the month, and he hadn’t even told his own parents yet. All I knew at this point is what him and I decided to do. We were gonna keep the baby. We were gonna get married and then figure out life as it came. My mom told me I should abort the baby, that its ok, she had to do one too she said. I don’t have a career, how will I raise a baby, I have to think about my future. How the heck do I in my good concious put my own needs ahead of an innocent child. The child didn’t make a mistake. Look I’m not against abortion or anything, its each persons choice, but for me, it wasn’t an option and she just couldn’t comprehend why I would want to put everyone through that. My view of my mother changed that day forever. Why couldn’t she let me make my own decision and just support me? It’s my life, my choice. Why did it matter what society would think. Why didn’t my feelings matter more.

The test

Back in 2017, I was intensely studying for the NCLEX (Nursing licensing exam), yes, while I was still under the spell of my parents, living in their home. I had already failed this exam once before and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. Confused and sick of being home studying all the time, I started working out to have an outlet for my frustration and anxiety. Months passed as I studied, and studied and studied.

Come April, I was 2 weeks away from my exam, I was increasinly growing weary because my period was 2 weeks late. I thought to myself that I might be stressing too much over this exam. My last period was in March, it was a strange one, it lasted for about a day, but I chocked it up to being because of my new intense workout regimen. I had heard that working out can mess with your period.

Another week went by, it was time to take this seriously now, maybe my nausea wasn’t cause of the exam, maybe my period wasn’t missed cause of stress, maybe… there was something much bigger happening. My boyfriend and I decided that we had to be real about the situation, because if there’s a child involved, then we need to get a doctor to look after the baby’s health and growth. This was bigger than the both of us.

That night changed my life. The test showed two lines. It was positive. We were about to become parents. But the sad thing was, rather then being happy and overjoyed by this precious gift that life was about to give us, we were both terrified to death. Both of us were from traditional Christian families, we had no idea how our parents would react but one thing I knew for sure… I had never been so terried in my life.

Lost

I grew up in a very traditional family. The main focus was always doing well in school. Attending university was a requirement, and then get a job…A GOOD JOB. But not one of those “mediocre jobs” like a teacher or social worker, no no no, I needed to be a doctor, a lawyer or nurse. God forbid I wanted to go to college and do a more hands on job. When I was younger I had a dream to become a singer, dancer or and actress, I always liked doing things that were hands on. While I myself realize that those dreams are farfetched, they are also not impossible if you are willing to work hard and put in the effort. But I was told that I didn’t have what it takes to work hard to attain either of those dreams without allowing me to explore them.

Being the eldest child, I had a weird sense of attachment to my parents, an unhealthy attachment. I was a parent pleaser, and it got so far that I myself lost myself, not learning to think and feel for myself what I actually wanted to do for myself to be happy. I became a very indecisive person basing all my decisions on what would make my parents happy. I lost myself, but it wasn’t even on purpose, it was almost like I never really had the opportunity to take my time and feel out where and what I felt most comfortable doing, what would make me be happy in the end.

I think the manipluation and passive aggressive relationship that I grew up in, having decisions made for me before I got to make them myself just made my soul feel so uneasy, my thoughts feel so blurred that I didn’t understand myself why I felt so unhappy, why I felt so lost in life. That is probably why after attending 4 years of nursing school and paying thousands of dollars out of my own pocket to pay for tuition, being able to make tons of money in my potential career. But, I have decided that I am not going to do nursing. Call me crazy but it is my own way of standing up for myself, a step towards finding myself.

It sure doesn’t please my parents. But also I wasn’t able to pass the NCLEX, maybe it was a sign from above, a push in the right direction, who knows…

Complicated

I learned from a very young age that family is complicated. It was something I understood, something I had first hand knowledge of.  Growing up my family was nothing short of complicated, infidelities here, runaway brides there. Little did I know, I was about to learn a whole new side of complicated. About 9 years ago, I met the love of my life. I never had imagined that 7 years later I would find myself pregnant before marriage and without a career. I decided to marry my high school sweetheart, it was always our plan sooner or later, but we decided we wanted to start our family life off on a good note, bring a child into an established home, a happy enviroment, where the parents of the child choose to be together because they love each other rather than for the sake of the pregnancy. I thought I had seen all the crazies of a family. Oh was I naive. I was about get a lesson in “complicated” family. Never in a billion years did I imagine that our one mistake would lead into a family feud that would last for years.